I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
