How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness