So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...