JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
