between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
