He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
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She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
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He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.