so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.