My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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