we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?