She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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