I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.