If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
