I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.