So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
