There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
