Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
its liver damage thursday
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