i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward