Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true