This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
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Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
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You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.