I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
