Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".