Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10