He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.