...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
