yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Intervention is following me on twitter.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.