Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.