I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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