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I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
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