Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.