dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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