I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish