yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
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