she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.