Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Little spoons don't ask big questions
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.