I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
