She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave