Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.