Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt