shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
