Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i think i have herpe
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.