My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".