You're my little dorito
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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