hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
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the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'