I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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