Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...