you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu