you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father