That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today