That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today