I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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