You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this