Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die