he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls