The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
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There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.